4:34 PM

An Internet Joke From My E-Mail (In Light of Current Government Mockings)

A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

10:54 PM

3 Things That Gross Me Out (Besides the Usual Stuff)

1. Cottage Cheese

It's disgusting, it's lumpy, and the only thing it's good in is guacamole - and only the homemade kind! Personally, I think that this concoction came out of a blend of white cheddar cheese and those Styrofoam packing peanuts that mysteriously disappear in your garage. It tastes like someone added duck droppings in for fun. In other words - GROSS.

2. Birds

They stare at you with their beady little eyes and fluff up in an attempt to look cute. DON'T BE FOOLED! They're all rats with wings, with the added bonus of carrying salmonella. I wouldn't be surprised if both ooze out of their pores on a daily basis. I can think of three disgusting birds: seagulls - rats with wings and they know it, vultures - they pee on their legs, enough said!, and that one crow in the second Pirates movie - it eats an eyeball, how much nastier can you get?

3. Someone Else Handling My Special Blanket

We all have that special toy/blanket/artifact that we alone like to touch. I mean, if I'm going to keep my blanket with me at night, I don't want anyone else's bodily fluids or skin particles, voluntary or not, seeping into or settling onto the threadbare cotton! Every time someone touches, caresses, or worst of all (shudder) SITS on my blanket, I lose a year off my life. And if someone happens to fart on it? Well, if I ever find out, no judge can put me away...


4. A Bird Covered in Cottage Cheese Sitting on My Special Blanket

The world would end. I'm just saying. Some scientist will cook one of these babies up and set it out to defeat me, right after I reveal my public identity as [CENSORED FOR BLOGGER'S SAFETY], and attempt to keep me occupied as they carry out their nefarious plan. BUT, what he/she/it doesn't know is that I'm already anticipating this, and will be ready with a giant potato gun! The bird won't know what hit it.